The Dreams In Which I'm Dying
by Blue Ducky
Summary: Jan's secrets run as deep as the scars on her body. Can Remus uncover her secrets and heal her wounds before it's too late. RLOC. Set in MWPP seventh year. Rated for some language and themes involving physical and mental abuse.
1. The Punk and the Werewolf

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The Punk and the Werewolf

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A/N: _Hey Guys! This only one of my first times writing fan fiction, but I have a good idea of where this story will go. The first chapters are short but they do get longer after the first couple. I would really appreciate your reviews and constructive criticism. Thanks and I hope you enjoy!_

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Disclaimer: _All characters, with the exception of Jan belong to JKR, not me. _

Jan Lawrence let out an exhausted sigh. This was going to be awkward. She was seventeen, and last summer her Dad up and decided to move to Britain. A new school, new friends (if she made any at all), and a new house. He could write a book, _One Hundred and One Ways to Make Your Already Misfit Daughter an Even Bigger Misfit. _He loved to make everything had for her. Yeah, this was going to be hard alright. She put her owl Ramone, onto her cart and bolted through the wall, and onto the platform of the Hogwarts Express.

Remus Lupin looked up to see a girl he had never seen before. It was all he could do not to let out a crazy little gasp. She was decidedly the craziest yet most amazing looking person he had ever seen. The tips of her short pink hair was colored an extremely contrasting black and she wore black framed glasses over eyes that were a dazzling violet streaked with blue. Her left eyebrow was pierced twice, and her lower lip once. Her long neck was encircled in a spiked dog collar that looked more than a little dangerous. She wore a black cloak with several patches bearing the names of both wizard and muggle rock bands. She wore a black t-shirt with The Ramones across it, over the top of a mans dress shirt. Her feet were clad in knee-high lace up boots and she had a red plaid skirt on. She was beautiful in some sort of zany way.

An uncomfortable look crossed the girls face, but then see seemed to gather her courage. "Umm…you guys don't think I could share a compartment with you. This is the last one with some semblance of space left in it," she asked in a voice that expected the answer to be a no. Remus noticed instantly that she didn't have a British accent, she must be someone new.

Before he could even think Remus found himself nodding and inviting her in before James, Peter, or Sirius could even say a word. There was a few moments of very awkward silence after she sat down. Everyone was a little shell-shocked. Hogwarts had never gotten a new student before…let alone one as colorful as her. 

Sirius was the first to break the silence with his, as usually, calm cool voice. "So who are you exactly?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm new, and a little intimidated to say the least. My names Jan, I'm from Montreal, so that's why I don't have the accent thing going." She managed a weak smile, then became very interested in the toes of her boots again.

'Wow," James exclaimed, "Your from Montreal? So do you speak French? What's the Wizarding Community over there like?"

Feeling just slightly bombarded, and already nervous Jan began to answer, "Oui, je parle Français, and Montreal has a very large wizarding community. Actually, I had to move here because my father is an Auror. They need more overseas right now so they sent him over." By now Jan was feeling a little better, and what did she care, no one ever liked her before, why was this any different. So why the hell were there butterflies in her stomach? Maybe it was because of the strange boy with the shocking amber eyes and the golden hair sitting next to her, but that was dumb. He looked brainy and smart…too good to associate with the likes of her. 

Soon enough Jan didn't feel so different. She was talking about Quidditch animatedly with Sirius and James. And the beautiful, golden haired boy slipped in with a comment every once in a while. She decided she liked the sound of his voice, calm and soothing. He was so different from her, but maybe that's why she was drawn to him…he was nothing like her. 

~*~


	2. Sorting and Secrets

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Sorting and Secrets

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A/N: _Ok, I have to change a couple of things to fit the plot I want things story to have. I've changed it to MWPP's seventh year, and in the first chapter I mentioned "parents", well I've decided to make that just Dad. You'll find out what happened to her Mom later. Oh, and a big, big thank you to elvesmagic010 for being my first reviewer._

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Disclaimer: _I own none of the setting, or characters, with the exception of Jan. It all belongs to the wonderful J.K. Rowling. No copyright infringement is intended. _

Jan had quickly changed into her Hogwarts robes, leaving the dog collar, and the knee high boots, not caring whether or not she was allowed. She now sat just off of the teacher's table, as she was not being sorted with the first years and had to wait to be sorted separately, after Dumbledore introduced her. She hoped to Merlin she didn't make it into Slytherin. By the way James, Sirius and Remus had talked about it they sounded like an awful bunch of jerks. She hoped for Gryffindor, mainly because that's where Remus, the quiet, kind boy with the golden blond hair and striking eyes was. 

It seemed like hours that she stayed on displayed for the whole school to look at, staring and whispering curiously. Then all of a sudden, some small boy with the last name Zander was sorted into Ravenclaw, and Dumbledore was standing up. 

Knowing that she was now to be introduced, Jan's stomach gave a slight lurch of nervousness before he started to speak, "Welcome to another year of Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry! I also wish to bring to attention that Hogwarts is becoming home to a new seventh year; Jan Lawrence has moved here from Canada. I hope you will all give Jan a very warm welcome to Hogwarts. Jan, please step forward to be sorted." 

Jan rose and walked over to that hat. She placed it lightly on her head, and the hat abruptly began to talk to her, "Hmmm, your brave, you are also very intelligent, but you have many secrets. But, you have a good heart, a heart that is counting on…GRYFFINDOR!!!"

The Gryffindor table went crazy with hooting and hollering. A wide smile broke onto Jan's face as she walked over. Her eyes scanned the table for Remus. There he was, smiling broadly beside James, Peter and Sirius. She walked quickly over to Remus and sat down beside him, giving him a light, half smile.

"Congratulations, Jan," he said in his calm, shy voice.

Those two words made her feel better that the way the whole Gryffindor table had cheered. She looked up into his smiling amber eyes and instantly got the feeling that everything was going to be great. Yeah, awesome…as long as she could keep her secrets. 

******************************************************************

Soon the feast was over and Jan was feeling better than she had in a long time. She was away from home, away from trouble and away from her old life, at least for now. And she had friends for the first time in a long time. 

As she was getting up to leave she brushed against Remus. She had been talking to him throughout the feast and there was something she wanted to ask him something. "Oh hey, Remus, you wouldn't mind showing me around a bit before we go up to the common room? I'd like to see around the castle," she said, desperately hoping he would answer yes.

"Yeah, sure. I'd love to." 

Soon they were walking around the castle aimlessly, as Remus pointed out various points of interest, like the spot where they charmed Snape's hair to turn various pastel colors. Remus and her were getting along great. They found out they both loved reading and that Remus was a huge fan of The Ramones, a great muggle band that Jan was absolutely in love with. 

They wondered up to the astronomy tower and Jan began to aimlessly look at the stars. "The moon looks so beautiful tonight, doesn't it Remus?" She instantly saw that she had hit a sensitive subject. A painful look past across as he quickly tried to mumble out an agreement. _Why doesn't he like the moon?_, she wondered. _Oh well, I have my secrets, he has his…maybe someday we'll know each other's secrets…if he doesn't hate her for them first. _

The newly found tension emanated from Remus so readily that it was almost tangible. Finally he broke the silence, "We should get back, it's late and lights out is gonna be any minute now." Jan nodded in agreement and they started to walk up to the Gryffindor common room.

"So, why was it that you moved to Britain again?," Remus asked conversationally.

Now it was his turn to hit something touchy. "Oh, my Dad, he's…umm, he's an Auror and he was offered a job over here." She was tired of lying, but he could never know her secrets, he could never see her scars and bruises, neither mental nor physical. No one can know, if they knew she would die.

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A/N: _See that little button below that you can click to review? Click it! (please!). _


	3. Scars, Notes, and Kisses

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Scars, Notes, and Kisses

The early morning sunlight shone on Jan's face. She had gotten up early, far longer before anyone, as she couldn't sleep all night. She rolled up the sleeve on her robes and traced the cuts and scars on her arm with her fingers, scars she had made to try to heal the mental ones. She wouldn't need to make them anymore, she didn't want to, didn't need to. The scars covered her arms, some that were fresher, the skin just beginning to heal back over them, and others that were old, from months ago. Then her hand traveled father up her sleeve, to graze the bruises that had formed in the shape of her father's hand. She was so glad to be away from it all, to be away from him.

In the corner, by the door that led to the boys dormitories, Remus Lupin quietly entered the room and walked slowly over to Jan. He wanted to talk to her about last night. He had gotten an eerie feeling that she had lied about the reasons her family had moved to Britain. As he was walking towards her he noticed her looking at scars and bruises on her left arm. She had her sleeve pulled up and was tracing her finger lightly over them with a painful, faraway look on her face. He figured it was about time to let her know she wasn't alone in the common room. He should have let her know as soon as he walked in, but something had stopped him.

"Jan," he said nervously, not knowing what her reaction would be. He guessed she hadn't wanted him to see those scars that criss-crossed her arm. 

She spun around with a look of shock and anger on her face. "What are you doing here?," she exclaimed sharply, hoping that he hadn't seen her arms.

"I…I'm sorry. Jan, is something wrong?"

"No, and if there was it wouldn't be any of your business! I only met you yesterday! You barely know me, you don't know what I've been through!," she cried, attempting and failing to hold back tears. She quickly turned and left room, leaving a dumbfounded, hurt and slightly shocked Remus behind in her wake.

Remus didn't she Jan again until the second class that day. They were in the same Defense Against the Dark Arts class and the new seating arrangement put him in the seat next to her. Part of him was overjoyed, but the other part of him nagged that she hated him now, and if she got over this then she'd surely hate him if she figured out he was werewolf. 

She didn't look at him once during the whole class. She buried her head her textbook and didn't even look up to she which Slytherin was providing her with the lovely snide remarks about her hair. It wasn't until the end of last class, which was Transfigurations that she made any contact with him at all. She slipped and small folded piece of parchment. It was a small note that read:

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I need to talk to you. Meet me in the Astronomy Tower after supper. 

That small piece of parchment gave a small thread of hope that he would get to talk to the amazing, but troubled girl with the pink hair and the captivating eyes. This hope was so strong that for once, Remus was able to ignore the little voice in his head that told him that their secrets would rip them apart, whether or not they were just friends or something more.

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Remus made his way up the stairs to the Astronomy Tower. Jan hadn't showed up at the Gryffindor table to eat supper. Remus desperately hoped she would show up at the Astronomy Tower to talk to him. 

Jan knew he was there as soon as he entered, even though she had her back to him. She took a deep breath and turned around. " I need to talk to you," she said shakily. She pressed her back against the wall and slid down until she was sitting. She beckoned for Remus to come sit beside her, which he did, sitting down on the cold floor tentatively. "I don't know why I even want to apologize to you, to be completely honest. I barely even know you. With anyone else I wouldn't care. I usually don't care when people hate me. But for some reason, even though I barely know you I don't think I can bear the thought of you hating me."

"I don't hate you. I don't even know you enough to hate you, and I don't think I could if tried," Remus said quietly. 

"Look, I've gotta say this, things happened to me when I was younger, and I have a family that I can't change. There's a lot of dark memories in my past, and I'm sure they'll be new ones to come. I can't tell you right now, but someday, maybe someday I will." Jan exhaled a long breath before turning to face Remus.

He looked at her sincerely, with a look of concern and understanding on his face. Then suddenly, Jan felt herself leaning in and brushing Remus's lips with her own. He seemed a little shocked at first, but then his mouth opened to hers and their lips clung and tasted, their tongues intertwining. She slipped her hand into his and drew away. 

She sighed, then began to speak, "Are you sure you want to get involved with me?" Remus nodded and smiled gently. Jan took his hand and moved it up the inside of her arm, to feel the scars. His fingers ran over them shakily, but he held her gaze. "How about now?," she whispered. 

"Yes."

Jan smiled, then broke his gaze, resting the back of her head against the cold wall, and entwining her fingers with Remus. They sat there for a long time, just looking at the stars. Jan sat there, next to a boy she barely even knew; a boy with golden amber eyes; a boy that she felt a connection with so deep it was like she had known him forever. 

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A/N: _I'm sorry that this chapter's still pretty short. I always mean to make them longer but they just always end up this way. I'll try to make the next one longer. Please, please review! Reviews are my fuel to write! So, please hit that lovely little review button in the left hand corner of the screen. Thankies! _


	4. A New Beginning

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A New Beginning

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Disclaimer: _I own nothing or no one except for Jan. _

A/N: _Sorry it took so long to get this chapter up, I was really busy for the last couple weeks, but it's here now. Your Feedback is much appreciated, and I would love to get some more reviews. Thanks!_

Remus and Jan had walked slowly back up to Gryffindor Tower. Although they exchanged no words their silence was not an awkward one, just one of peace. Jan had been amazed by Remus's understanding of her. Most people took one look at her and turned away. If they did get close to her they would eventually uncover her secrets and decide they didn't want to be involved with her or her family. For the first time since her mother died Jan felt totally comfortable in the presence of someone else.

The next morning Jan woke early, as she had a tendency to do, and watched the sunrise. The clouds seemed to be pushed away by the warm orange of the sun that soon gave way to deep violets and dazzling reds. It was a beautiful sunrise, one of the most captivating Jan had ever seen in her entire life. Maybe it was more than a sunrise and the start of a new day, maybe it was the start of a new life. 

As she rummaged through her clothes, trying to find something to spice up her dull uniform she found the small wooden box that contained the razor blades she had so often used to slice those thin cuts of emotional release into her skin. She looked at them, running her finger over the blunt end of one. She wouldn't need these anymore, she didn't want to need the anymore. She slipped them into her school bag, along with her books. She needed to get rid of them, and she had the perfect idea of to banish them from her life.

She dressed quickly, throwing her dog collar on and a bandanna on her head. She found her pair of bright pink Chuck Taylors that were charmed to change different shades of pink throughout the day and threw them on, remotely wondering if they matched the school's dress code. She ran down the stairs of the girls dormitory and found Remus in the common room. 

"Up early again," she said with a half smile.

"I'm always up early. I've had terrible insomnia since I was a child."

"Oh," she replied dumbly. "Well, uh, I was wondering if you could help me with something? I have something I really need to do and I just need you to be there with me when I do it."

Remus nodded as Jan beckoned him to follow her. "Where are we going exactly?," he questioned. 

"To the lake."

"Oh."

Remus never asked why. He had a feeling he already knew. They stood silently beside the lakeside for a few moments before Jan reached into her school bag, pulling out the small wooden box. She opened it, to let Remus know what was inside, then abruptly raised her right arm and hurled it into the lake as hard and as far as she could. When she looked at Remus he was smiling.

"I'm glad you did that," he said genuinely.

"It feels good to be rid of them, and good to be with you," she said, suddenly turning serious. "You know, I still don't even know you that well. What are you like? Do you play Quidditch?"

"Oh, Quidditch, No I don't play, but I like the game. James and Sirius would have beat me to death long ago if I didn't like Quidditch. Do you play? You know there's an opening on Gryffindor's team this year. One of our chaser's, Cindy Lanley graduated last year. If you play you should try out."

"Yeah I do play," replied Jan, "When are the tryouts. I played chaser in my old school for a few years. I'd love to be on the team."

"I dunno, ask James, he's Quidditch Captain and Head Boy this year so him of all people should know." 

"I will, but right now I think I shall wither away to nothing if I don't eat something. C'mon let's go get breakfast before there's no time, and before I'm shipped off to St. Mungo's for malnourishment."

Remus and Jan both laughed and headed of towards the great hall. 

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"Hey, Remmie…were have you been going before breakfast the last couple of days?," James asked as he came up behind Remus with Sirius.

"Oh hey guys. No where, just out with Jan."

"Ooo, you mean that girl that sat with us on the train. She was hot," replied Sirius in a stupid sort of voice.

"Yeah she was really cool, she asked me about Quidditch yesterday. I think she's coming to try out today. Her, Lin Chang, and that Lizzy, you know the one that's in our Muggle Studies class, asked me about it. If Jan's any good she's got a chance. Lizzy's not very good, from what I've heard, and Lin's the only one she has to worry about. He's really good, I've seen him out there playing with friends. Funny he's never tried out before." 

James continued to ramble until Sirius slapped him, then grinned widely at James's reaction.

" What was that…"

"Shut up Prongs, a man can't get a word in edge wise with you rambling like that," Sirius proceeded to poke James in the ribs until they were both engaged in an all out poke-fest. 

"So is she nice?," asked Peter.

"Yeah, she's great. She's a lot like us. Funny and smart, but I'm not sure she knows that at all," said Remus with a sigh.

James and Sirius gave up their little fight and James turned to Remus to ask, "So how have things been going with her? You can just tell you two like each other. I was amazed you didn't start drooling on that day on the train."

"Things have been going great." Remus smiled, he actually had a girlfriend…well, sort of. 

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A few hours later Remus slouched lazy in the stands of the Quidditch Pitch. He was watching Jan zip around on her broom. She was amazing, she flew so naturally that it seemed that she must have been born on a broomstick.

The tryouts went on and Remus could clearly see that she was the best of the three trying out for Chaser. She was a natural. Then after about an hour Remus saw the players slowing coming down to the ground and crowding around James.

As team captain James would be choosing who got the position. He conferred with the other two chasers and then made the decision. Remus knew it was Jan as soon as she turning around to call him over.

"Remus, I got Chaser! I can't believe it, I got Chaser!," Jan yelled with a huge smile. Jan jogged over to Remus who was now half way across the field and walking towards Jan. When Jan reached him she enveloped him into a huge hug. 

"Congrats! Your gonna be awesome! You're…" Before Remus could finish Jan pulled him into a kiss. All of a sudden it was just him and Jan, Remus was unaware of anything else, even James and Sirius's playful catcalls. 

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	5. A Close Encounter

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A Close Encounter

Disclaimer: _I own no characters portrayed in this story with the exception of Jan, her father and any other characters you may not recognize from the Harry Potter books. All other characters are the property of J.K Rowling. No copyright infringement is intended. _

Remus let out a huge yawn and glanced at the clock. It was already midnight and most of the other students had left the common room and gone to bed. Remus, the rest of the Marauders and Jan lingered behind to finish a dreadfully long potions essay that was due on Monday. It had been Remus who suggest they do the three feet of essay on Friday night. This was because Remus's transformation was the upcoming Sunday and the Marauders would never have time to do it this weekend if they didn't do it today. Jan, the only one of the five who didn't know about Remus's interesting problem, was the only one to question why exactly they would be spending their Friday doing a massive headache of an essay. James had quickly covered this up by declaring that if they did it now they would have all weekend to do whatever they wanted. 

Remus looked around at the tired faces and felt slightly guilty. All his friends had given up their Friday night to do an essay so they could plan their next little adventure. James could have been of with Lily or they could all be playing some crazy prank but no, they were all here with him. The room had been silent for a while now, everyone to tired to even try to make conversation. Then Sirius broke the silence. "How the heck am I supposed to write three feet of parchment on Love Potions and Their Dangerous Effects. Professor Wredge is a bloody idiot. And I'm bloody starving."

Everyone broke into peals of laughter, some of the weariness swept away. "Hey, why don't we all down to the kitchens and get something to eat," squeaked Peter. 

"Sounds good to me," Jan piped in, "but how exactly are we going to get down to the kitchens?"

"Leave that to me." James ran up the stairs to the boys dormitory and quickly returned with his invisibility cloak. "Like this. Well, that is if we can all fit under it."

It was a tight fit but they managed to pull all four Marauders and Jan into the cloak. They precariously made their way down the stairs and onward to the kitchen. As they entered the kitchen they were promptly greeted by at least seven house elves who immediately began asking if they could get them anything. "What can we do for you? We've just made fresh muffins and Dinky is putting a pot of tea on. We also have fresh bread and lemon tarts and…"

The house elf went on for another couple of minutes before Sirius replied that they'd all have a little bit of everything and tea sounded smashing, all while rolling his coal black eyes. They were soon sitting at the table in the corner of the kitchen feasting on anything from tarts to bread with honey poured on top. They made small conversation about the upcoming Quidditch game between Gryffindor and Slytherin the next weekend. "Yeah, I have a feeling it's going to be tough. I've haven't played on a school team in the last two years so I'm kind of rusty and I guess I'm just nervous because it's going to be my first game at Hogwarts," fretted Jan.

"Don't worry you'll do fine. You were amazing when I saw you at tryouts." Remus squeezed her shoulders and lightly kissed her forehead in reassurance. "Anyway, we should be getting back up to the tower, I'm tired and we should get some sleep."

Everyone nodded in agreement and got back under James's invisibility cloak, thanking the house elves on their way out. They were about halfway back to Gryffindor Tower when something made them stop dead in their tracks. There were three men standing in the hallway, dark cloaks on with the hoods pulled up over their faces. They were talking back and forth in hushed tones. 

"Dumbledore is starting to suspect me. He's catching on. It's only so long before he realizes that I may be recruiting students as well." This was said by a tall man that, although they could not see his face they were sure it was their Arithmancy Professor, the head of Slytherin House by his deep, cruel voice. 

The next voice was unrecognizable. The man hissed in a cruel, sly voice. "Don't worry Clancy, I have connections nothing will happen to you. If Dumbledore does suspect I will make sure no one the Ministry ever believes him. Besides.."

The next voice made Jan's heart jump into her throat and her stomach tie into a billion little knots. "Shut up you fool. There was a noise. It came from over there, by that painting." The man swiveled around and Jan came face to face with her father's evil face for the first time in month. Her breath caught in her throat and she clenched Remus's hand desperately. They all began to inch away as quietly as possible as the three men were heading directly for them. 

"There's nothing here, Lawrence, you fool. We all have to be going. The next gathering is October 31st, bring any students you recruit Clancy." 

The three men all scattered, leaving the five stunned students in their deadly wake. "What was that all about," Peter said shakily. 

"Death Eaters." Sirius said this with utmost disgust and loathing. "Vile bastards." 

On the other side of the invisibility cloak silent tears were streaming down a shaking Jan's face. "Are you okay Jan?" Remus ran a concerned hand down her wet cheek, wiping away her tears, only to have new ones appear. 

"I'm…I'm okay. Let's just get back to the tower."

As soon as they reached Gryffindor Tower Jan went immediately up to the girls dormitories, only mumbling a quiet goodnight to Remus. Jan quickly changed into her pajamas and laid in bed battling her fears for hours before finally falling into a tormented sleep. 

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Her mother was screaming, begging for him to stop. He hit her across the face again and blood dripped from her mouth. She yelled for her to go back to bed, that mommy would be alright. Another blow. A scream ripped from her mother's mouth. 

Before she knew what she was doing the young girl was running at her father. She was going hit him. To hurt him the way he hurt her mother. Before she could even throw a punch she was crumpled to the floor with the pain delivered to her jaw from her father's fist. 

"Back off you little bitch or I'll kill you. Just like I'm going to kill your whore of a mother."

Her mother whimpered in the corner as her father drew out his wand, brandishing it cruelly. She begged for her father to stop. "Please don't hurt her, please, please daddy."

"Avada Kedavra!" Green light flew from her father's wand and her mother went limp. He had finally done it. He had killed her. Her mother's body lay limp and lifeless on the kitchen floor. The girl's body erupted into racking sobs. 

Her father grabbed her by the collar of her pajama's. "You say one word about this to anybody and daddy won't just kill you straight off like he did your mommy. Oh no, it'll be much longer and more painful than that." His fiercely crazy eyes burned into her soul. 

Jan woke with a start. She had been having that dream for weeks now, reliving that horrible memory that she had tried to forget. She's been dreaming about her mother's death every night now, ever since she had seen her father in the hallway. _He won't do that to me. I'm not a little girl anymore, _Jan thought. _I won't be afraid anymore. _She rolled over and looked at her watch. It was six in the morning. 

Jan laid in bed for a long time just thinking. Remus had been worried about her every night since she had seen her father. He still had no idea why she had been so upset, other than the fact that they had almost been caught by a bunch of death eaters. Jan felt a pang of guilt. Her and Remus had been dating for almost two months now and he hadn't let him in on barely anything about her past. But he accepted her decision not to tell him, he had his secrets as well. 

Jan glanced at her watch again. This time it read 6:30am. She had to get up, even though it was a Saturday. Jan had her first Quidditch game of the year to play. 

~*~

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A/N: _Next Chapter will be up soon…I hope! Your feedback would be much appreciated. Any comments or suggestions are very welcome. If you have an idea for my story I would love to hear it! Also if anyone else is writing a fan fiction and would like it reviewed just leave the link in your review, as I would love to read and review them!_


	6. Quidditch and Quarrels

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Quidditch and Quarrels

**Disclaimer: **_I own no characters portrayed in this story with the exception of Jan, her father and any other characters you may not recognize from the Harry Potter books. All other characters are the property of J.K Rowling. No copyright infringement is intended._

Jan quickly dressed and went down to the Great Hall to eat breakfast, that was if she could stomach breakfast. It felt like she had an entire colony of restless butterflies in her stomach. A billion thoughts ran through her head. _What if I let them all down? What if I'm absolutely terrible?, _she thought.

"Hey guys," she said with a half hearted smile as she sat down beside Remus.

"Morning Jan," replied Remus, "How're yah feeling?"

"Nervous," Sirius guessed for Jan. "Don't be, you'll do fine."

"Yeah, James was nervous for his first game," piped in Lily, who was sitting next to James.

"I still get nervous, so don't worry about it. And try to eat something, it seriously does help once your out on the field, even though it seems like it'll make you hurl now," James advised.

Jan giggled but didn't eat much more than a piece of toast and jam. Before she knew it the time had come for her Sirius, James and the rest of the Gryffindor Quidditch team to get changed into their uniforms and get ready for the game against the Slytherins. Remus and Peter headed out with them as they had decided they had nothing better to do but sit around in the stands watching the teams warm up.

As they were walking out they ran into Severus Snape, the seeker for the Slytherin team, who was flanked by Crabbe and Goyle, the beaters for the Slytherin team.

"Well look here, what a freak show. So Remus finally found yourself a little freak on a leash?," sneered Snape.

Before anyone could even open there mouths Remus did something that no one thought him even capable of doing. He walked forward and punched Snape square in the nose.

"Don't you ever talk like that to her again Snivellus or I'll make sure the rest of your Hogwarts life is a living hell. Now why don't you go up to your room and sulk you little git."

Severus flashed Remus an evil look as he turned to leave but said nothing. "What the hell just happened. Am I dreaming? You just punched Snivellus in the nose. That was amazing Remus." Sirius looked just about ready to wet himself with awe and excitement. Remus just blushed and mumbled something about how he probably shouldn't have done that.

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Jan was zipping around with Sirius and Layla Norrington, the other two Gryffindor chasers. The stands were beginning to fill up quickly and the match was set to start in five minutes. Remus caught Jan's eye and gave a reassuring wave and a thumbs ups. Soon enough the stands were completely filled with students and teachers a the quaffle was being thrown up in the air.

The sky was sunny and blue, making Jan feeling amazing. She could vaguely hear the commentator as she zipped passed Goyle, the Slytherin beater to receive the quaffle from Sirius. The chasers made their way up the pitch towards the hoops, flanked by the Gryffindor beaters. Jan passed the Quaffle up to Sirius who made a quick swerve to narrowly miss a bludger that beater Cheryl Finnigan wasn't able to hit away. Jan winced as she spun around to catch the quaffle and get ready to throw it through the hoops. She dashed in between players on the Slytherin team. Layla threw the quaffle to Jan. Butterflies erupted in Jan's stomach as the quaffle came towards her. She almost sighed in relief when she felt in make contact with her hands. She flew for the hoops and threw it towards that middle hoop.

Jan knew the quaffle was in as soon as she heard the roar of the crowd behind her. "TEN POINTS TO GRYFINNDOR!," boomed the commentator. The score was ten-zero for Gryffindor. Jan flew up beside the Slytherin chaser who had the quaffle and fluidly intercepted the pass. The Gryffindor chasers began passing the quaffle back and forth until they were close enough to the hoops for Sirius to make an easy toss through the hoop.

"ANOTHER TEN POINTS TO GRYFINNDOR, MAKING THAT A TOTAL OF TWENTY-ZERO FOR GRYFFINDOR!," the commentator cried excitedly. Jan smiled at Sirius and than glanced around for James. James was far beneath them, pulling into a false dive for the snitch to trick Severus. The game went on and soon the score was fifty-zero for Gryffindor. The Slytherin team was getting angry and the angrier they got, the more violent the match became.

It was as Jan raced for the hoops with the quaffle that the game reached it's most violent point. Jan was zigzagging in-between other players when Crabbe, instead of hitting the bludger away from his teammates sent it hurling right at Jan, who had her head turned in the opposite direction. Cheryl Finnigan tried desperately to race up fast enough to hit it away from Jan but was unsuccessful.

"Jan!," she bellowed, "Get out of the way!"

It was too late. Just as Jan began to turn her head the hard bludger contacted with the fragile flesh and bone of the right side of Jan's jaw. She let a terrifying scream of pain. In the stands Remus stood bolt upright, a look of terror on his face, before pushing his way through the gasping people to get down the pitch.

All Jan could feel was the pain. She tried desperately to calm her self enough to get her broomstick down on the ground in case she fell but the pain's twisting fingers entwined her. A wave of pain came over her and then everything went black.

Remus watched in horror as Jan began to slip of her broomstick. Her body tipped dangerously sideways and then she toppled off her broom. Sirius raced towards her falling body as fast as he could. But try as he might it would be impossible to catch her before she impacted with the hard ground of the Quidditch pitch below. Sirius screamed at James who was in a dive for the snitch. James jerked his brooms upwards and raced towards Jan, catching her with his arm around her waist only seconds before she hit the ground. His face was almost as white as Remus's ghostly pale face as he lowered her to the ground. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall had conjured a stretcher and Remus and Sirius helped lower here onto it. Remus was still shaking horribly when a pale-faced James opened his fist to reveal the golden snitch. Gryffindor had won the game but it seemed unimportant as Remus, Peter and the extremely shaken Gryffindor Quidditch team escorted the seriously injured Jan to the hospital wing.

----

"Ugh, where am I? What happened? Did we win?"

"Jan! You're awake!" Remus squeezed her hand and broke out into a smile. "You're in the hospital wing. That bludger Crabbe hit you with broke your jaw in four places. We were so worried! But Madam Pomfrey was able to mend it. How are you feeling?"

"Okay, my face doesn't hurt anymore," Jan replied breaking into a smile. "I ruined the game…we probably lost didn't we?" Jan's voice cracked a little and the smile was suddenly gone.

"No, you were great! You're an excellent chaser! Crabbe is a slimy git who can't even play his position right. And don't worry, James got the snitch."

Jan's smile faded instantly and was replaced by a huge lump in her throat when Madam Pomfrey re-entered the room followed by the very last person she ever wanted to see again. Her father. Jan suddenly went very white and found it terribly hard to breathe. "Remus," she whispered, fear overtaking her voice, "Whatever you do, whatever they say, don't leave me, please stay here."

"I," but Remus was cut off when madam Pomfrey walked up to the bed.

"Ah, Jan your awake. Nasty injury you had there, but I can see your on the mend. Your father was notified and he rushed here to visit you." Madam Pomfrey smiled gently, believing she had done something kind for Jan, and left the room.

"Hello Father," Jan said, careful not to let him hear the rising fear in her voice.

"Oh, Jan, I came as soon as I could! I was dreadfully worried about you, but it does seem as though your on the mend." Her father's voice seemed unnaturally candy coated and he was actually treating her like a human being.

"Um, yes father." Jan's voice remained steady but suspicion was rising up in her to match the fear.

"Now, I was hoping I could speak with you alone for a moment Jan." Her father's false smile crept over his lips as he looked at Remus.

Remus was about to speak when Jan piped up instead. "No father, that won't be necessary. I would like you to meet Remus Lupin, my boyfriend, and I can assure you that whatever you can say to me can be said to him as well," Jan finished firmly.

A dangerous look flashed across her father's face but was quickly covered up with a smile. "Nice to meet you Mr. Lupin," he said sweetly as he shook Remus' hand. Remus looked at him warily. Something wasn't right between Jan and her father. What she had said before, and the twisting feeling in his stomach told him that her father was not the nice man he made out to be, that underneath there lurked something foul. He also had a strange feeling that he had heard his voice before.

"Well then Jan, What I had wanted to talk to you about was Christmas. I know things haven't been the best since your mother died, and I was hoping we could fix things up. We could go over to Canada, to Montreal, for Christmas if you'd like. You could visit your mother's relatives and we could have a good Christmas together."

Jan looked at him blankly for a moment. _Is he an idiot she thought. Since your mother died…you killed my mother! A good Christmas? You mean you won't beat me to a pulp several times, maybe just once? _"I, um…well, I was going to stay here - _you can't stay here now she thought, he'll kill you if you say no _- but I guess I can come home with you Dad. It would be, it would be nice." She forced a smile, the fear creeping further through her body. _But maybe he isn't lying, maybe it's gonna be like when I was little when things weren't so bad…_

"Lovely! I'll arrange everything. You're break starts on December 17th, doesn't it? That's about a month and a half away. I must be leaving now Jan, but I cannot wait to see you again!" He wrapped her into a hug and Jan had to suck in her breath and close her eyes to keep from shrinking away from him. Her father stood up from the hug, smiled and turned to walk out of the room. With him left the tension that had filled the room.

"Thank you Remus. That meant more to me than you know, that you stayed with me"

"Why are you so scared of him?"

"Someday I'll tell you, but not now Remus. I'd like to get back into my own bed, and out of this hospital wing. Can you ask Madam Pomfrey if I can leave?"

"Sure, I'll be right back." Remus left her bedside and returned moments later with Madam Pomfrey.

"I think you just fine to back to your room now dear. Your jaw is all mended and you've rested up. I think Remus here can escort you back to your room."

----

Remus had walked with Jan to the kitchens first as she had slept through supper. After she had eaten they had walked up to the Gryffindor common.

"I think I'm gonna go up to my room and sleep some more Rem. I feel really tired."

"Sure." Before she left Remus caught her hand and pulled her back to him. He cupped her cheek in his hand and gently kissed her. "I was really scared today, when you fell from that broom. I, well I. It's just that, well, if you ever want to tell me anything or if somebody does something to you, I.."

"I know, Remus," Jan smiled up at him and pulled him in for another kiss. "Thank you Remus, for understanding, for being here," she whispered in his ear as he rubbed the palm of her hand with his thumb. "Good Night Remus."

Jan turned away from him and began to walk up the stairs to the common room. "Sweet Dreams," Remus called to her. Jan smiled to herself, she had had a horrible day, but somehow Remus had still managed to make her smile.

A/N: _Wow! My first update in a long time. I've just finished exams and it's summer now so hopefully I'll be updated more frequently. Thanks to all my reviewers! Please send me some feedback! I love reviews and would like to receive some constructive criticism!_


	7. Not Alone

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Not Alone

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A/N: _I'm Back! Can you believe it! LOL! I had almost given up on this story, when I received a review from Laren Goldstar, asking me to continue. Thanks for the motivation! This next chappy's for her!_

Jan entered her dorm and began to change into her pajamas, careful not to bump her jaw. The bones had been mended, but the pain was still there. None of her roommates were there yet so Jan flipped on her muggle record player and flopped onto her bed. She lazily sang along to the music for a little while, then tried to fall asleep. A half hour passed, then another, and then another. She just couldn't sleep. Her mind mulled over the events of the last evening. It was just to weird. This wasn't right…people don't change overnight. She didn't trust her father, he was up to something and she had a horrible feeling it was the pleasant trip to Montreal he had promised.

After an hour and a half of tossing and turning Jan got up from her bed. By this time Lily and her other roommates had returned, so Jan was careful not to make any noise as she crept out of the dormitory. After making her way down the stairs, she quietly made her way up to the boys dormitory. Luckily, girls seemed to be more trusted than the boys, and there were no booby traps preventing her access. She made her way over to Remus dorm and crept inside. James wasn't there, Peter was happily snoring, and the curtains were drawn around Remus's bed so Jan couldn't tell whether or not he was there. Sirius was awake on his bed, flinging balled up pieces of paper at Peter, and singing a song about insomnia.

"Hey, Sirius, is Remus here?," Jan whispered.

"Whoa, what are you doing here? Yeah he's here, but why are you?" Sirius raised his eyebrows, and then winked at Jan.

"I…I can't sleep. Just everything that happened, you know and I just wanted to talk to him."

"Oh I see, well Remus is right over there in his bed, ready and available for all your 'talking' needs." Sirius gave an evil grin, while Jan slapped his arm playfully.

"Thanks Sirius."

"No Problamo-Jano."

Jan carefully pulled back the curtains of Remus's bed and shook him awake. "Hey, I can't sleep Rem. I was wondering if I could just…erm, stay here with you."

"Yeah sure," Remus replied as he pulled back the curtains.

"Don't worry Remmie-poo, I'll cast a silencing charm so you two can 'talk'," Sirius offered 'helpfully'.

"Shut up Padfoot, you git," cried Remus. "Anyway, what's bugging you Jan?"

"Just a lot of stuff. It's been a weird day, I guess. I've just got a lot on my mind, and being alone with my thoughts was driving me crazy. I just wanted to be around someone for a little while."

"Yeah, I know how you feel. It's like everything is swirling around you, and you just can't seem still."

"Yeah, yeah that's exactly it," Jan said, giving Remus a small smile. He pulled her into an embrace, and lightly kissed her forehead. "Remus, would you mind if stayed here with you for the rest of the night…I know it's not allowed but I just…"

"I'd love that…besides, when did a marauder ever follow the rules." Jan cracked a goofy half smile as she lied down and snuggled up against Remus. Remus gently wrapped his arms around her, rubbing small circles on her back. "Goodnight Jan," he whispered, but she was already fast asleep.

__

She was cornered. His hot breath was on her face, and the look in his eyes was unmistakable. He was going to kill her. This was the end. Everything was gone. There was no more Remus, no Hogwarts, no Marauders. Just this cold, empty room where she would meet her end. In a final grasp for life she ran, taking of like a bolt for the door. But it was locked. He slammed her face against the door and she let out a scream of pain. Warm blood dripped from her mouth and nose. He spun her around. The tip of his wand was in her face. Squeezing eyes shut, she waiting for the end. But it wasn't coming. There were voices, very faint but they were there, calling her name.

"Jan! For Merlin's sake wake up! Jan!"

The world was slowly coming back. There were hands on her arms, shaking her. She was covered in sweat and was trembling uncontrollably. "No, please help me. Please. Don't leave me all alone"

"Jan, Shhh. It's alright. You're not alone. It's just a dream. You're okay now. I'm right here."

"Remus?"

"Yes, it's me. It's me. Everything's all right."

"I…I was so scared, he was there, and I just couldn't get away. I was going to die…I don't want to die. I can't go. I'll die. I won't die, I can't. Don't let me die Remus!"

"No one's gonna die. It's okay. Your at Hogwarts. It's nine o'clock in the morning, Saturday, November the 3rd, and everything is fine. Your in my dormitory, and no one in here's gonna hurt you. And who is he?"

"No one, it was nobody. You're right, it's just a dream. I'm fine. It was just a nightmare."

"Okay…are you sure. Is there anything you wanna talk about?" Remus knew something was up, but didn't want to press Jan. She would tell him on her own time.

"Not now Remus. But I am hungry, I'm gonna go shower and get dressed, then let's go down for a late breakfast."

"Okay…I'll meet you down there in a half hour or so."

"See yah," Jan replied, then she gently kissed Remus, and walked out of the room.

After breakfast was over Jan decided to go down to the library and work on some assignments. Remus told her he was going to stay behind and talk to James and Sirius about something. The problem was getting them to shut up and actually listen.

"James and Lily, up a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes…" Sirius's chanting stopped abruptly when he realized his hair had turned orange and he was wearing a matching orange, polka-dot dress.

"Stop it you two! I need to talk to you about something serious. Now, Sirius, no more singing, and James, put Sirius back to normal!" Remus had finally reached his wit's end.

"Thank You. Now I need to tell you guys something. It's about Jen."

"You love her."

"Your gay."

"She's pregnant with your baby."

"She's gay."

"Your Pregnant with her baby!"

"Ooooh…A Scandal!!!"

"SHUT UP, YOU IDIOTS!!! Nobody is pregnant and neither of us is gay! _(**A/N: **Sorry guys, I know…I love Remus slash too!). _ Look, I think something is really wrong. She has nightmares, she's scared of her Dad, and she…well never mind. But still…something's not right. She can't go to Montreal with her Dad. There's something wrong about it. I know it. There's just something that isn't right."

James was now completely serious. "Look mate, I see that your worried, but she's old enough to make her own decisions. If she goes, she goes. If not, then that's just as good."

"Yeah, and if something really bad was happening she would have told you, right. You're just getting yourself worked up. Everyone has nightmares. Hell, even I do. She'll be fine…she's one of the smartest kids in our year, and she's tough as nails. She'll be fine," Sirius reasoned.

"Yeah, maybe your right…but we should keep an eye on her dad. I just get bad feelings about him."

"Sure mate, if it makes yah feel any better," James offered, as Sirius nodded his head in agreement.

A few weeks later, Remus was running around the castle looking for Jan. Sunset was in a couple minutes, and his plan wouldn't work unless he found her soon. He finally located her in the very back of the library, buried in a book. He breathed a sigh of relief, he had something to show her, and they had to be fast, there wasn't much time left.

"Jan, come with me. I wanna take you somewhere." He said as he grabbed her hand. "Don't ask, you'll see," he said with a wide grin. After everything she'd been through over the last few weeks this was the least he could do. They were soon running up to the astronomy tower. As they entered, Jan was met with a blinding sparkle of golden yellows pouring through the window. The sunset was cascading through the windows, and over a beautiful royal blue blanket with a single rose on it.

"Remus," Jan gasped, "It's…I…Oh It's beautiful. Thank You." She kissed him. And then bent down to pick up the rose. The dew on it's immaculate petals sparkled divinely. "It's perfect Remus, where did you find it?"

"It's just like you Jan…perfect. But it's not nearly as beautiful."

Jan's eye's welled with tears. "That's the kindest thing anyone has every said to me. Thank you, this means more to me than you will ever know." Jan looked up into Remus's eyes as he pulled her into a kiss. It was fiery and passionate, unlike anything Jan had ever experience before.

"I think I'm in love with you Jan," Remus whispered huskily.

"I know I'm in love with you, Remus John Lupin."

It was here, bathed in the sun's golden rays that the two shared they're last truly happy moments together, for a long time to come.

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A/N: _So there it is! Please Read and Review…I need some encouragement. I'm thinking about just deleting this story, as it really hasn't been doing well. Please let me know what you think. I love compliments, but I love constructive criticism more, so please feel free to voice you opinions! (Just be nice!)_


	8. Helen and Paris

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Helen and Paris

A/N: _Here's my next chappie! At least it didn't take months! Thanks to Auron for the nice review! This ones for you. (P.S. I think I'm going to continue this! Thanks for the encouragement!)_

Awaking long before anyone else, Remus tiptoed out of his dormitory and down to the Gryffindor common room. Outside the window snow flakes were drifting to the ground, and a cold wind blew through the cracks in the window. Remus hadn't been able to sleep for several nights now. As the Christmas vacation drew nearer, Remus's restlessness and worry increased. The approach of the full moon wasn't helping things either. Something wasn't right about Jan's father. The knots in Remus's stomach told Remus that not everything was as it seemed. It was like a puzzle that someone had ripped apart and scattered everywhere. Something horrible had happened in Jan's past, Remus was sure of that. When her father visited Jan after her injury the air of distrust and skepticism were tangible. Jan also seemed very reluctant to go. She had said she wanted to go back to Montreal, but didn't want to spend time with her father. Then there were the nightmares. The problem was, how did they all fit together? Remus was sure that the picture they fit together to make, wasn't a very pretty one.

Remus mulled over his thoughts until everyone else began to awake. The air of excitement that was held by all the other students contrasted Remus's dark thoughts. Not only was it just three days until Christmas Break, it was also a trip to Hogsmeade. Remus could hear the voices of his friends drift into the common room as they made their way down the stairs.

"Hey Rem, somebody's up early," Sirius remarked.

"Yeah, I couldn't sleep."

"Going to Hogsmeade?"

"Oh, why, no Padfoot. I love to sit in this castle all by myself and do nothing. Yes, I'm going!"

"No Christmas present for you Moony."

Just as Sirius finished his comment, Jan walked into the common room dressed in red pajamas with Christmas trees on them. She was skipping and belting out a muggle Christmas song. "Deck the halls with boughs of holly fa la la la la la la la la! Tis the season to be jolly…." Sirius abruptly jumped onto the couch and finished the song for her. "FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!!!!"

Nobody seemed to be in bad spirits, not even Jan. Soon Remus was beginning to forget about everything he was worrying about, and join in on the Christmas cheer. He may as well have fun now, because his Christmas was probably going to be spent in the hospital wing. His transformation was on the 23rd, so Christmas was not going to be very merry this year.

Soon they were on their way to Hogsmeade. Once they arrived they decided to spilt up. Jan and Lily were heading off by themselves, while the marauders went to hastily buy Christmas gifts at the last minute. They were all going to meet up at the Three Broomsticks for Butterbeer in a couple hours. Remus had been saving since October to get Jan a gift and he was determined to get a her a good one. He had already bought Christmas gifts for the marauders on their last trip to Hogsmeade, so he didn't have to worry about those. Remus coaxed James, Sirius and Peter to come with him to Lila's Jewelers before heading of to Zonko's.

"Okay guys," Remus declared, "I need to find the perfect gift…it should say 'I love you', 'your beautiful' and…"

"Alright, buy her a pile of ooey-gooey mush Rem, that should work out nicely," Sirius remarked.

"Hey Rem, what about this?" James was standing by a glass display case pointing at a very beautiful ring.

"It's a promise ring," declared the lady behind the desk. "Beautiful isn't it? Just perfect for that special someone."

It was beautiful. Three small diamonds sparkled beautifully on a white gold ring. It was breathtaking. Remus's throat literally closed off as he read the price tag. Twenty-five galleons. He didn't have enough. He only had fifteen. As always, it was James to his rescue. He quietly slipped ten galleons into Remus's hand. Before Remus could even open his mouth in protest James spoke. "She deserves it, and so do you."

"I'll pay you back James."

"You know I won't let you Moony."

Remus sighed as he paid for the ring. "I don't care James, I'm paying you back." He hated never having enough money. He hated being poor. He knew deep down inside that it was his fault too. If only he hadn't of been bitten. But he couldn't change any of that now.

After leaving the jewelers, they headed of to Zonko's. Soon it was time to meet at the Three Broomsticks. Everyone was in a good mood, as Remus had been able to shrug of his worries for a little while.

Jan was beaming. She had just bought everyone's Christmas gifts. She hoped Remus would like his. It wasn't finished yet, but she had picked up the supplies to finish it up before she left for Christmas vacation. She had done an oil painting of his hand, holding hers. In the background she had painted a crescent moon. She wasn't sure what compelled her to add a moon, it was just where her brushstrokes led her. Maybe it had to do with his nickname, Moony.

They passed the time slowly, sipping their butterbeer and enjoying the freedom of being away from Hogwarts. When the time came to make their way back to Hogwarts, the six youth took their time. The snowflakes fell around them and, of course, they could not resist throwing the occasional snowball…well, Sirius couldn't resist. As they reached the grounds, Jan asked Remus to take a walk with her. They separated from the rest and began to walk towards the lake. Jan shivered and Remus wrapped is arm around her, as if his touch alone could melt away the cold. They stopped by the lake, and his golden eyes searched her violet ones for several minutes. He knew she had something to tell him.

Eventually, Jan began. "Look Remus, I'm not gonna make it seem like my dad and I have a wonderful relationship, because we don't. I don't completely trust him." She paused, searching for what to say next. "Anyway, I just want you to know that I'm going to owl you…three days after I leave at the very latest. If you don't hear from me I want you to come looking. First check my house in London. 345 Lancewood Avenue. It's a wizard house, the only one on the block so you should be able to recognize it. Don't come alone, bring Sirius, James , and Peter at least."

"Why are you so worried? What's going on. You can tell me Jan."

"It's nothing, I just needed you to know that. Nothing will go wrong, I'll owl you, and you'll get it. Everything will be fine."

"I…I just don't want you to get hurt. You're the most amazing person I've ever met. I care about you, and I just have a bad feeling about all this. It would help if you would just let me know what's going on. I just feeling like…never mind."

Jan pulled away from his embrace, her defensive side rising. He couldn't know her secrets. He would hate her. He would think she was dirty and weak. She also had a sinking feeling about what he was about to say. "Like what, Remus?"

"Look, it doesn't matter. I didn't…"

"Like what?!"

"Like you don't trust me." It just spilled out of Remus' mouth and he regretted it instantly. Why did he expect trust. He was a monster. He didn't even have enough courage to tell her his secret. Why should she tell him hers.

"What! I trust you! How could you say that!" Tears began rolling down her cheeks. She knew she was overreacting but she couldn't help it. "You have no idea what I've been through. Your life will never be as hard as mine is. And you have your secrets too, Remus! Don't deny that!"

"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that…I." But it was too late. Jan had turned and began to walk away. The cold stung the tears on her face. She was angry, but she also felt guilt rising inside her. Did she trust him? She hadn't really trusted anybody for a long time. Not since her mother…but it was best not to think about that. She wanted to run back and apologize to him. Wipe that look of hurt off his face and replace it with a smile; Gently kiss him, and tell him that she loved him. But she couldn't do it. She just couldn't turn around. She couldn't bear to look at him. She couldn't believe what she had said. He had been through his fair share in life, and she knew it. She didn't know exactly what he had went through but she was sure it wasn't pleasant. She had seen scars on him…only a few -she hadn't exactly seen all of him- but the ones she saw were gruesome. There was a long one that reached from his right collar bone to the left side of his chest, among other smaller ones. But he didn't exactly want to tell her about them either. Every time she asked, she was met with silence, or the topic was changed.

So instead of going back and telling him she was sorry, she went up to her dorm and cried for a long time. She had hurt the only person who had truly loved her in a long time. She would be spending Christmas Break with her father. Everything was falling apart. Finally, she calmed herself down and went to look for Remus. She didn't have to go far. He was sitting by the window in the Gryffindor Common Room. He had a faraway look, shadowed with hurt and sadness. Jan quietly over to him and sat down.

"Remus, I have some explaining to do." Remus said nothing. "I'm sorry that I can't tell you everything. You had a point, with what you said. I overreacted. I said things I shouldn't have said."

Remus finally spoke, "No Jan, don't apologize. I shouldn't have said I didn't feel like you could trust me. If you have something to tell me you need to tell me on your own time. I just want you to know that I'm here for you and that it's not right for anyone to hurt you in anyway. Not even your Dad."

"He won't hurt me Remus."

"I hope so."

"Don't worry, okay? If I don't owl you, then you can worry." Jan reached up and touched Remus's cheek with her hand. "I love you, Remus. I wish I could spend Christmas with you."

"Me too, Jan." Remus gently wrapped his arms around her waist. His hands on her sent waves of warmth through her body. He drew one of his hands away and reached into a pocket in his robe. "I was going to give this to you just before you left, but now seems like the right time. Close you eyes." Remus pulled out the promise ring and slipped it on her finger. He leaned in and whispered in her ear. "I promise to always love and protect you. Now open your eyes." Jan gasped.

"I don't know what to say, it's…oh Merlin…"

"You don't have to say anything."

Jan reached up, placing her hand behind his head, and pulling him in for a kiss. Her other hand slipped onto his chest. She could feel his warmth, his strength. It was all around her. She could have stayed here forever with him, never leaving the shelter of his golden light. He was Paris, and she was Helen. She wanted nothing more than to just run away. She wanted him to take her away, far away from all her problems, her doubts, her fears, and her life. But that would only cause a war. Little did she know, the battle was already beginning.

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A/N: _Once upon a time, there was little purple button who's name was Review. But Review was sad, because no one ever clicked him. But one day a kind reader came along and clicked him and made him very happy. The moral of the story? Be nice and review my story…you'll make me, and a sad button happy all at once._


	9. Don't Look Back Orpheus

**Don't Look Back Orpheus**

**Disclaimer:** _insert witty disclaimer here _

**A/N:** _This chappy's for winnia, who made a sad button very happy_.

Jan sighed as the beams of light poured through her window, signifying the rising of the sun. She would have to leave in a couple of hours; Her father was picking her up in Hogsmeade today at nine o'clock, and it was already seven. The nervousness she had about seeing her father again churned in her stomach. Would she be able to face him? She didn't even think she could look at him. Everything would came back at once. But she had to do it, it would only make things worse if she didn't. When her father was angered about something he stopped at nothing…not even murder. Jan trembled at this thought.

She pushed everything out of her mind as she dressed and packed her trunk. After packing she sat down on her bed and let out another sigh. If anything happened Remus would come, she knew he would. If she didn't owl him, he would come. Hopefully, it wouldn't come to that. Jan touched the promise ring on her left hand. He promised to always protect her, he wouldn't let anything happen. But none of that mattered…nothing was going to happen. Right?

Before she left her room Jan wrapped Remus's Christmas gift. She had put the picture she painted into a beautiful wooden frame she had bought in Hogsmeade. After placing it in a slender box, and wrapping it in golden paper, she left the dormitory.

Remus was sitting by the fire, reading a book in the common room. The golden light illuminated his face, making every feature look perfect. His golden hair fell lightly around his face. And his face…it was so peaceful, and serene. The way he looked just sitting there immersed in a book, calmed Jan down. Her racing heart slowed, and a warm sensation flowed through her body. He would protect her. She made her way over to him, gently placing a kiss on his temple, then another onto his lips. "Good morning," he said softly.

"I have something for you." Jan rested the wrapped painting on the chair. "You can't open it until Christmas. Promise?"

Remus grinned devilishly. "I'll try."

"Promise."

Remus laughed, soft and lilting. "Promise." He placed an tender kiss on her lips. "It's gonna drive me mad, not knowing what it is. Even if it's just for five days."

"Well then, go crazy." Jan cracked a grin. It soon faded. "Remus, I have to go in a half hour. I need you to promise me that you'll come looking for me if I don't owl you. You should get my owl by sunset, on the twenty-third."

"You have my word. Nothing will happen to you."

Jan sighed, "I know. Now, help me carry this trunk down to the main entrance."

A carriage was already waiting to take her to Hogsmeade. It was early. Why was her dad that eager to see her? It gave Jan an uneasy feeling.

"Remember, by sunset, third day. I love you. I'll see you after New year's."

Remus pulled her too him. "I love you too." He pulled her into an embrace, taking in her sweet scent. His hands touched the soft skin of her face. "I won't let anything happen to you. You have my word." He kissed her gently, then let her go. The carriage pulled away, and Remus's stomach gave a lurch. He had a feeling he wouldn't be receiving an owl in three days.

The days passed slowly. It was the second day, and there was still no owl. Remus' worry was noticeable to everyone around. He was in a horrible state. Tomorrow was the full moon, so he was suffering from the effects of that, as well as working him self into a state of emotional panic. James and Sirius were also beginning to worry. They had never seen Remus like this. He was usually calm and collected. Always a rational thinker, who never panicked. It was as if their anchor had been taken away. He had paced for at least a total of three hours today, and checked the Owlry five times.

He had convinced Sirius to come with him for a sixth time, that evening. "Still nothing." Remus muttered. He walked over to the window and let out a shudder. The moon was almost full. One more night and it would be complete. And it would tear him to pieces.

"It'll work out okay Moony. It'll be fine." Sirius' concerned eyes met Remus'. Sirius wrapped him in a brotherly embrace. Sirius spoke as he broke the hug. "This'll be hard full moon. I can feel it."

"They're always hard Padfoot, you know that."

"I know."

So the second day ran into the third day. And as Remus watched the sun sink into the sky, his heart sank with it. He had to get to Dumbledore before his transformation. He had waited too late. Remus bolted down the stairs towards Dumbledore's office. As he ran, he met a very flustered Madame Pomfrey. "Oh, Remus, thank Merlin I found you. Come, we have to get to the willow, the moon is beginning to rise."

"I can't, need to talk to Dumbledore. Important." All Remus could manage was broken sentences. His heart thumped against his chest. He had left it to late. Something was wrong. Jan wasn't ok.

"There's no time Remus, you know that. Now come along." Madame Pomfrey shooed in out of the castle and into the secret passage of the Whomping Willow. "I hope your transformation isn't hard tonight dear."

"The passage shut, and Remus was alone. He made his way towards the Shrieking Shack. As always, the marauder's were waiting for him there. Almost soon as he entered it began. He could feel himself changing, and it ripped through his body like fire. Everything was spinning. As his last semblances of human thought clung desperately, the moon's rays shone in the window, and the world clouded over.

There was a mirror. Remus was standing in front of it, but he wasn't seeing his reflection. In the mirror was Jan. She reached for him. Her hands were bloody. Then she spoke. "Lead me out, Orpheus. Don't look back." Then she collapsed.

The vision ended and Remus became a fully fledged wolf. He howled ferociously at the moon. The wolf was angry tonight. It was filled with rage and anxiety that carried over from Remus's vision. This was not going to be a pleasant transformation. There was going to be a lot of blood spilled tonight.

Jan's father had taken her to a very dark hallway, in a house she didn't know. It smelled of death and blood. Jan's heart was in her throat. What was going on? As the reached the end, they entered a room on the left side. There were at least twenty people, cloaked in black. Jan could feel the evil in this room. It was tangible. She knew who these people were. Death Eaters.

"I see you've brought her, Lawrence." It was the Arithmancy Professor from Hogwarts.

'Oh Merlin,' Jan thought. 'I'm not going to make it out of here. Remus please come. I need you.'

Jan saw a figure rising from a large chair in the corner. Red eyes glowed form under the hood. The figure almost seemed to slither. The closer it came, the more evil Jan could feel around her. "Your father says you are a talented little witch, Jan." The voice was smooth, rolling through the air towards her. A cold hand reached up and touched her face. "Join us. We have so much to offer you. Power, respect."

Jan's anger boiled inside her. She would never join these people. They killed people for fun. People like Lily, people like Remus, and even innocent, defenseless muggles. The marauders had told her all about Voldemort and his supporters. Her father spoke next. "Come Jan, you don't need those school friends of yours. I know the like you've been associating with. Muggle-lovers, Mudbloods…Werewolves. The power is here. This is what's right."

"NEVER!" she bellowed. Then, without thinking she spit in Voldemort's face. Instantly, twenty wands were pointed at her.

"You'll die for that little stunt, bitch." A man with long, pale blond hair whispered vehemently.

"Wait, don't kill her. I'll punish her good enough. There won't be much left of her once I'm through. This was your last chance, Jan. Just like your mother." Jan's fear coursed through her. This was the end. After all the beatings, all the abuse, he was finally going to kill her.

"Give me my way with her first, Lawrence. I like it when they squirm." The blond haired man grabbed her waist and slammed her into the wall. Jan tried to get away but couldn't. His breath smelled of alcohol. "Does your werewolf like it rough?"

'What werewolf?' Jan thought.

"That's enough. She's coming home with me now. You have my word, she'll be dead before sunset tomorrow." Jan's father grabbed her roughly and apparated them back to his house. As soon as the floor was solid beneath them, he threw her down on the ground. Her cheekbone smashed against a small table. He picked her up roughly, threw her against the wall, and punched her across the face. "Beg Jan. Beg for your life. Like you begged for your mother's."

Jan tried to hit him back, but her attempts failed. Blood ran from her mouth and several other cuts on her face. Her father grabbed a vase and smashed it across her shoulder, the glass embedding in her skin. Finally, she broke, crying out in pain. Shame overwhelmed her. She was never strong enough.

Jan tried to move, but she couldn't. It was the morning of the fourth day. Remus would be coming by now. Oh please let him come. Jan's father was stumbling around the house in a drunken stupor. At least he wasn't hitting her. She was lying on the floor. Her own blood was all over it, and her blood soaked her clothes, and matted her hair. Everything was in agony. Her right eye was so badly swollen she couldn't see out of it. She was fighting to keep consciousness. If she lost it, she might die. This was the worst her father had ever beaten her. He really was planning on beating her to death. "Oh please let Remus come," she whispered hoarsely, and fell into unconsciousness.

The golden light of morning shone over Remus Lupin. He lay on the floor of a dirty shack. He was covered in blood, and there were multiple gashes on his face and body. Beside him, his friends waited for him to awake. Sirius and James cast each other dark glances. This had been a violent transformation. Remus had returned to human form at least five minutes ago and had still not become coherent again. He kept mumbling. "Eurydice, I won't look back," over and over again.

Suddenly, Remus's eyes shot open. "We have to find her. She's dying."

**A/N: **_Whew, that was hard to write. Such a heavy topic. I think I'll take a nap now! That exhausted me emotionally! So review!!!_


	10. Rise Above

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Rise Above

Disclaimer: _Hi, my name's J.K Rowling, and I'm a very rich British woman who owns Harry Potter. And I'm lying!_

A/N: _Okay, I have to thank Mimbulus a billion times for pointing out the stupidest mistake I have ever made! In the last chapter I made an allusion to the Greek myth about Orpheus and Eurydice, only I accidentally called them Odysseus and Euphrates! I have no idea how or why I made this mistake, considering that Euphrates is actually a river, and Odysseus is the ruler of Ithaca. The thing that really bugs me about this is that I can't plead ignorance…because I knew that the correct names were Orpheus and Eurydice, I just some how got mixed up. I guess I should stop writing fan fiction in the middle of the night! So, my apologies for my extremely silly mistakes, and many, many thanks to Mimbulus for correcting them!_

"Merlin, Moony, what the hell is going on?" cried a bewildered James. Remus was bleeding profusely but seemed to disregard it completely. All his logic, and rationale was gone, but instead was replaced with a blindly wild determination.

"We have to go now, there's no time left to waste. Are you with me or not." Remus had pulled on his robes and was heading down the tunnel. "Madame Pomfrey should be coming to collect me any minute now. You take the Hogsmeade way back as usual, but meet me outside of Dumbledore's office. I don't think this is something we can do on our own." With that said, a very white Remus made his way down the tunnel to Hogwarts leaving three bewildered boys in his wake.

After Remus was part way down the tunnel he broke into a run. 'I have to find her, there's no time,' kept spinning through his head. His weakness made him dizzy, and his knees felt like they would give out from beneath him, but his sheer determination drove the pain to the back of his mind.

Just before reaching the Whomping Willow Remus met Madame Pomfrey. He slowed to a walk as he came towards her. He already knew what she was going to say, but she wasn't going to take him to the infirmary, no matter how hard she tried. "Remus, dear, what are you doing!? Your bleeding badly. You shouldn't have been running so. I was coming to get you dear. You need to come down with me to the infirmary straight away dear."

"I can't, I have to go see Dumbledore. It's extremely important." Remus began to run again. Behind him he could hear her telling him to turn around this minute, that he was going to hurt himself.

Tearing out of the Whomping Willow, Remus ran across the grounds, and into the castle. A few early rising students, shot him looks of utter confusion and dismay. It wasn't everyday you saw a quiet, well-mannered boy bolting through Hogwarts in blood-soaked robes. When he reached Dumbledore's office, he was relieved to find that James, and Sirius had already found Dumbledore, and were waiting for him.

"Your friends have alerted me that you feel there is something wrong with your fellow Gryffindor, Jan Lawrence." Dumbledore's voice was calm and steady.

"Jan, she left for the break to visit with her father. Things aren't that great between her and her dad, so she said she would owl me within three days to let me know she if she was ok. There's been no owl." Remus looked as if he was about to collapse. Sirius reached and steadied him with his hand. "Look, I know you probably won't take me seriously, but I just, I know there's something wrong."

"And I don't doubt your judgment Mr. Lupin." Remus breathed a sigh a relief. "I have already contacted officials from the ministry. There is not much else you boys can do, but I suggest that you go to the infirmary Mr. Lupin."

"No! No, we have to go. You don't understand Professor Dumbledore, we need to be there! I can't explain this, I just know…things will go wrong if we don't."

The wise wizard looked long and hard at Remus over his half moon spectacles. Finally, he spoke. "Then we'd best get going."

The buildings in London seemed to grow up around them as they flew down towards the ground. Remus dismounted from his broom and looked around. It was like Jan said, the house was easy to spot. It was a tall house, maybe three stories. It was painted black and dark curtains hung in every window. Pain and suffering seemed to crackle in the air.

Their arrival was almost simultaneous with the arrival of several ministry officials, including two Aurors. At first the officials were skeptical about the boys being there, but after a little persuasion from Dumbledore, they were allowed to stay. Remus held his breath as they beat on the door. Nobody answered. One of the Aurors unlocked the door with their wand and went inside. Obviously, Jan's father hadn't been expecting any visitors.

Broken glass, streaked with blood littered the floor. The stairs in the main hallway had blood trailing up them, and part of the railing was broken. Remus began to shake with anger, it was her blood. "Please don't let it be too late," he whispered hoarsely.

Remus could hear movement, then Jan's father appeared, in a drunken rage. He smashed a bottle of fire whisky onto the floor and drew his wand. In a fleeting second, Remus knew what to do. He didn't have time to waste. He bolted up the stairs, dodging a streak of red light from the man's wand. In the hallway at the top of the stairs he found himself walking towards the first door on his left. Somehow he knew where she was, he could almost feel her.

The doorknob was unlocked, and he easily stepped inside. What he saw, broke him into a million pieces. His eyes were filled with tears, and as he looked at Jan, they turned into a sob. Choking it back, he went to her side. She was curled into the fetal position. She was covered in cuts and bruises, and her robes were in shreds. One of her eyes was circled with a dark bruise, and there was blood oozing from the corner of her mouth. She was unconscious but Remus spoke anyway, "I'm so sorry. I broke my promise. Forgive me." Tears dripped off his face and onto hers. He gently touched her arm.

Slowly, her eyes opened. She reached out and grabbed his hand. "You came." Remus could only nod in response. "I knew you would come."

Remus carefully picked her up and held her to him. "I'm gonna get you out of here." Jan buried her face into his chest as he carried her down the stairs.

At the bottom of the stairs, the Aurors had managed to subdue Jan's father. His hands were tied behind his back, but that didn't stop his mouth. Strings of curse words were being shouted angrily at everyone around him. As Remus descended from the stairs, these became directed at him and Jan. Remus could feel his blood begin to boil. He wanted nothing more than to slit this man's throat. He wanted to make him suffer, just like he had made Jan suffer. He was about to turn around, to give this man what he deserved, but then he heard the words from his vision. _"Lead me out, Orpheus. Don't look back." _He was better than this man, he would rise above.

Remus continued forward, out the door, and he carried Jan out, into the morning sunshine. And he didn't look back.

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A/N: _I know this chapter's a little short but, this is where I felt it was right to end off for this chapter. Thanks for reading, and I would really appreciate a review. I would also like to apologize for any spelling mistakes I have made anywhere in this story. This isn't beta-ed so there maybe little errors._


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